How to Heal Codependency with Somatic Coaching
Let’s talk about codependency—because codependency slowly, silently strangles relationships. Everyone has ways of being codependent. Most don’t know it.
Understanding and unraveling codependency is one of the most powerful things you can do for your relationships and long term happiness.
That’s a huge statement I feel 100% secure in making.
TL;DR: What You’ll Get From This Post
A grounded definition of codependency and how it shows up in your body
Why somatic coaching works to unwind old relational patterns
A two-step model for healing: reclaiming your inner truth and embodying it in relationship
How to build embodied confidence and end self-abandonment
The real role of boundaries and how they foster connection
The importance of replacing hidden expectations with clear, loving agreements
My partner Jen and I in the middle of a retreat to Scotland.. where we rented a cottage for three weeks, played by the ocean, and did practices every day to be more honest, say what we were afraid to say to each other, make new requests, craft new agreements/boundaries for our relationship. It was great. And at times, very raw. Deep partnership is not always clean. I should probably have a photo of us fighting as we cleared some big misunderstandings too :)
Here’s how I define codependency: Codependency is a fear of aloneness that leads us to abandon our own truths, needs, and boundaries in relationship in order to be chosen, approved of, or not left behind. We override ourselves to stay connected. And then our relationships silently lose steam because our needs and truths are not being seen or met.
It’s not about being needy. It’s not about loving too much. It’s about how your nervous system learned to survive. And somatic coaching goes right to the root.
The Nervous System Story Behind Codependency
From a Polyvagal Theory lens, our bodies are wired to associate connection with survival. Back in the day, getting kicked out of the tribe was a death sentence. So when someone pulls away, doesn’t respond, or threatens disconnection—your body may react like it’s under attack.
Modern-day translation: you feel the urge to fix, fawn, over-accommodate, or hide your truth just to keep peace. That’s not weakness. That’s your nervous system trying to keep you alive.
Neuroscience tells us that emotional abandonment registers in the brain similarly to physical pain. So when you’re codependent, the threat of someone pulling away can literally hurt. The fight/flight/freeze loop kicks in. And suddenly you’re not being honest, not setting boundaries, not saying what you need.
And let’s be real: that pattern is exhausting.
Why Somatic Coaching Works (In Two Powerful Steps)
Step 1: Reclaiming Your Inner World
The first step in healing codependency is unwinding the fight/flight/freeze patterns that keep you stuck in survival mode. Codependency often stems from a simmering fear that if you're honest, you'll lose the relationship. So we suppress parts of ourselves—our anger, our boundaries, our longings, even our joy—to keep the peace.
But that internal dissonance builds over time. It triggers your body, exhausts your system, and keeps you feeling small.
Somatic coaching brings you back to yourself. It helps you:
Regulate your nervous system and restore a baseline of safety
Tune in to your breath, body, and impulses, which creates a feeling of grounded aliveness
Reconnect with the powerful parts of you that got buried to stay safe
Remember that what lives in you is not too much—it’s essential
Reconnect with your real desires and boundaries
Step 2: Bringing That Truth Into Your Relationships
Then comes the next layer: how to bring your truth into connection.
This step is about learning how to speak what you usually hide. How to stay with yourself and with the other—even when your impulse is to bolt (avoidant attachment) or grasp for closeness at all costs (anxious attachment).
It’s not just about what you say—it’s about how you say it. You’ll learn to share with clarity and love. To express honestly and stay connected. This is the muscle. This is the game-changer.
This step is about learning how to speak what you usually hide. How to stay present with yourself and the other person—especially when your old attachment patterns might push you to withdraw, chase, or shut down.
It’s not just about what you share—it’s how you share it. With clarity. With care. With attunement to the other person’s experience.
This practice builds a kind of confidence that can't be faked. Every time you speak honestly and stay present, your system learns: there's nothing wrong with me. There's nothing to hide. My truth is safe and welcome.
It’s a muscle. One that grows through repetition. And over time, this builds real, earned confidence—felt in your body, lived in your relationships.
A Real-Life Shift
“I have worked so hard to understand my relationships without ever noticing my deep desires and boundaries. This is so RELIEVING. My experience of relationships is so different now. There’s a journey ahead, and I am excited for it. I know I am headed in the right direction now.”
—Nya Elan
What You Can Learn:
That clarity and honesty are learnable, embodied skills
That it’s possible to speak and share your truths while also staying attuned to the other person—your needs don’t have to crowd theirs out. You can learn to hold yourself and hold them.
That joy and aliveness come when you stop shape-shifting to be loved
That intimacy grows when you stay with yourself instead of over-merging
That your nervous system holds the key to lasting change
Boundaries: Not Barbed Wire, Just Truth
Healthy boundaries are essential to real connection.
But most people think of boundaries as cold, rigid walls—or barbed wire fences with blaring sirens. In truth, boundaries are just a way of telling the truth.
They sound like:
“That doesn’t work for me.”
“This is something I really need.”
“When X happens, I tend to feel Y, and I want to stay connected, so I need…”
Boundaries are about creating clarity, not control. They’re how we stay connected and honest at the same time.
Expectations vs. Agreements
Codependency thrives in the dark—especially in what goes unsaid.
One of the clearest examples? Assumed expectations. We silently hold beliefs like:
“If you really cared about me, you’d do X.”
“A good partner should know to do Y.”
“You're supposed to read my mind or prove your love with Z.”
These unspoken expectations create resentment, miscommunication, and tension.
An essential part of healing codependency is learning to turn those assumptions into agreements—clear, mutual understandings that both people consent to. These can be written or spoken, and they create shared reality.
Agreements might include:
How do we share space?
Who does what when it comes to chores and home care?
How do we handle conflict? Is it okay to take pauses? What is NOT okay to do in a fight (name-calling? threatening the connection? etc)?
What makes each of us feel wildly loved, supported, or safe? How can we create more of those moments in a week?
Etc.
Agreements bring light to the shadows. They allow love to flow freely because the basics are taken care of.
But What If My Truth Ends Relationships?
Here’s the truth: it might. And that’s not a bad thing.
When you stop abandoning yourself, some dynamics shift—and some may fall away. Because if a relationship only works when you’re suppressing your needs, was that really a relationship you wanted?
That said, the point isn’t to blow things up. This work is about learning how to stay connected to yourself while also relating more skillfully with others. And often, that’s exactly what transforms your relationships.
With this work, people find that their connections become more vibrant, more honest, more magnetic. When you show up as the full you—your yes and your no, your softness and your fire—your relationships either rise to meet you or reveal what’s no longer aligned.
Either way, you get a life that is far more full of you.
Healing Codependency Isn’t About Becoming Cold. It’s About Becoming Whole.
When you stop contorting yourself to maintain connection, your life fills with the right kind of relationships. Ones where you’re met. Seen. Danced with. Ones that hold you without asking you to shrink.
This is the real work of somatic coaching.
And you don’t have to do it alone.