Couples Therapy vs. Relationship Coaching in Boulder
So you’re wondering whether you and your partner should dive into couples therapy or relationship coaching?
Let’s break it down - and look at when it matters - and when it doesn't.
First off: A little myth-busting
If you sat in on a session with a seasoned relationship coach and a seasoned relationship therapist, you might not be able to tell the difference. They’d both be asking powerful questions, holding deep space, and probably making your nervous system go, “Aaaaa yes, that’s the spot.”
The truth? If you’re working with someone who’s really good at what they do, you’ll know. Just having a conversation with them will shift something inside you. Over time, skilled coaches and therapists start to look alike—not because they copy each other, but because they discover what actually helps people.
So the first, best advice? Trust your gut. If you like someone after talking with them—if you feel safe, curious, seen—go with it.
Now let’s talk about when the choice matters.
When Trauma’s in the Room
Short version: if you’re working through significant trauma, it’s probably best to start with a therapist. Especially a somatic trauma therapist who works with the body and nervous system.
Why? Because trauma lives in the body. And until it’s gently unraveled, it tends to hijack your present-day moments—especially in relationships. That dish left in the sink? It might not just feel like a dish. It might feel like a neon sign blinking, “You’re doing this alone.” Suddenly, your nervous system is lit up like a Christmas tree. You're no longer looking at a bowl—you’re staring into the abyss of emotional neglect, abandonment, and the ghost of every time no one noticed you needed help. The past has entered the chat.
Therapy Pros:
Focuses on healing past wounds.
Helps regulate your nervous system so you can respond instead of react.
Supports deep emotional clearing so you can actually enjoy the present.
Therapy Cons:
Often bound by insurance systems and clinical structures that limit the therapist to what they are told to do, sometimes at the cost of what they think actually will help.
Can (sometimes) overly focus on the wound, which might leave you feeling like a walking trauma file.
If you know that you have a significant trauma history, and haven’t spent decent time with a therapist (generally 1–5 years of skillful work to unwind), then that’s a place to start.
Trauma is real. It affects our nervous system and creates patterned responses that can override even our best intentions. It deserves real support.
If you are looking for a somatic trauma therapist- connect with my partner Jen, who is also in Boulder.
What About Coaching?
Coaches generally infuriate therapists... because they often assume there are no problems. They begin with the idea that you are already whole—and that’s a pretty radical place to start.
They orient to the present and the future. They’re less interested in what you’ve been doing and more interested in what you’re going to do next.
They are focused on CREATION: What can you say no to right now? What is it time to say yes to? How can you lean in more to your deepest dreams? How can you act on what really matters to you—and then watch your life transform, and your heart be more full?
They often come from an ontological or spiritual perspective: that there is an essential YOUness—bright, powerful, and distinct—currently caught in a web of thoughts, behaviors, and patterns. If you can perceive and inhabit that essential self, you can move mountains.
Coaching Pros:
Believes in your fundamental wholeness.
Future-oriented and empowering.
Often more flexible and outside-the-box than traditional therapy.
Doesn’t rely on diagnosis—sidesteps the DSM completely and says, “You’re not broken. You’re just stuck in a story.”
There is complete magic in this way of orienting. For example: It is possible to live a life completely without anxiety. Not without fear (i.e., a car almost hit me), but without anxiety (that vague worry about the future being bad). Therapy can help you release vigilance. But to truly let go of anxiety, coaching can help you operate from a paradigm that says: everything is already okay. You are safe now. There is nothing to fix.
Coaching Cons:
Not a fit for acute trauma, nervous system dysregulation, or unresolved grief.
Can bypass deep pain if not handled skillfully.
So What’s the Best Path?
Both of these perspectives are extremely important.
Therapy, as a whole, can sometimes become overly focused on the wound. And that can disempower people. It can make them think they are their wounds, which is not true. People are much greater than the pain they have experienced.
AND it is deeply important to give attention to our past—to gently meet and unwind the things that are stuck, so we can be more free in the present.
Coaching is powerful because it says, “Let’s focus on what’s working.” Let’s grow that. But if someone is carrying unprocessed grief, suppressed rage, or frozen layers of pain, there’s only so far they can go before they get triggered and swept into overwhelm.
This is what I recommend to people:
Either way, find someone who is masterful at what they do. You’ll go much further.
Trust your gut. If you like someone, go for it. A seasoned, good coach and a good therapist will look very similar over time.
Ideally, find someone who understands both of these perspectives.
If you know you’re healing deep trauma, choose a specialized somatic trauma therapist who can support you to unwind that first.
Coaching & Therapy in Relationship Work
In relationship work, coaching will tend to focus on practices, presence, and how you orient to your partner. It’s often more interested in what is happening now and what you can choose in this moment. Coaching assumes your relationship has intelligence and potential. It often focuses on what is working, and how you can expand it.
Therapy tends to explore the deeper wounding: what hurts, where you get triggered, and how to heal the wounds that keep pulling you out of connection.
I actually believe trauma healing is best done first, one-on-one. And then, from that more resourced place, coaching becomes an incredible modality for relational transformation.
Final Word:
Work with someone great. Truly. That’s the biggest game-changer. Whether coach or therapist, if they’re masterful, you’ll know. You’ll feel it.
If you’re dealing with major trauma, start with a trauma-informed somatic therapist. If you’re feeling resourced and ready to grow, a relationship coach can help you transform your love life—and have some laughs along the way.
And again, trust your gut. It’s wiser than you think.