The Martyrdom Wound in Men: Why Trying to Be a “Good Man” Is Burning You Out
TL;DR
Many modern men, rejecting toxic masculinity, fall into the trap of martyrdom: suppressing anger, sadness, needs, and boundaries in an attempt to be "good" or "safe." This looks like over-efforting, niceness, and trying to hold the whole relationship together—while slowly collapsing inside. It's not sustainable. And it's not your fault. Healing means bringing your full truth back online—messy, beautiful, powerful—and learning to be deeply met as you are.
You gave up domination. But you didn’t get a new map.
A lot of men today don’t want to be tyrants. They’ve seen what domination, emotional numbness, and control can do—to women, to children, to the world—and they want something different.
So they trade it for what they think is goodness:
Being nice. Being accommodating. Being non-threatening.
But what "nice" often really means is:
Never bringing up what hurts.
Never saying no.
Never asking for more.
Never showing the parts of you that might upset someone.
You squash your boundaries. You downplay your sadness. You hide your anger. You don’t name your big desires—because what if they’re too much?
And instead, you work.
You try really hard to hold the relationship together.
You try to create magical moments.
You try to be stable, generous, dependable, romantic, spiritual, emotionally present…
Until you collapse.
And then feel like shit for collapsing.
The Masculine Martyr: When Hard Work Hides Shame
Underneath all the effort is a quieter truth most men don’t say out loud:
Somewhere deep down, I still don’t believe all of me is lovable.
My boundaries might hurt her.
My grief might make me weak.
My rage might scare her away.
My desire might make her leave.
So I hide it.
And I try to earn love instead.
But no matter how hard I try, it’s never enough.
Because it can’t be enough.
You're feeding your partner, your relationship, your world…
while you yourself are starving.
That emptiness? That slow fade into collapse? That’s not weakness. That’s malnourishment.
This is the hidden cost of emotional exhaustion in men.
How your Partner Feels This
What often happens next is this:
The partner in your life doesn’t feel your heart anymore.
You’re there, but you’re not there.
Your words say "I love you," but your body feels like it's miles away.
You’re physically present—but energetically ghosting.
And that hurts. So she reacts.
She gets anxious. She rages. She pleads. She threatens the relationship.
To you, it might feel like she’s blaming you for everything.
And maybe she is.
But at the root of it, she’s feeling the same thing you are:
Disconnection.
Your disconnection from yourself.
This is a dynamic I explore more in Anxious vs Avoidant Attachment: Nervous System Habits That Hijack Love, especially how nervous systems pull away when we feel unseen or unsafe.
Why It Will Never Be Enough
When you cut off your full self—your hurt, your boundaries, your fire, your sorrow—you’re cutting off the exact parts of you that need love the most.
And they are the parts that can’t be fed by more effort.
They need reveal, not perfection.
They need honesty, not overperformance.
What most men call "failure" in relationship is actually just this:
You were never actually there. Not all of you.
And the parts you hid are starving.
That’s not a personal flaw. That’s a system error—one I see often in my relationship coaching.
Nothing Changed My Relationships More Than This
I’ve lived this.
I’ve tried to be the good man. The one who doesn’t hurt anyone. The one who works hard to hold it all together.
And nothing—nothing—has created more nourishment in partnership, or opened the door to the kind of wild, real, soul-fed love I long for…
like learning to skillfully bring the exact parts of me I once believed would create disconnection:
My big anger
My sacred no
My heartbreak
My desire for my partner to show up more fully
…and having those parts not just tolerated, but loved.
That is the most world-shaking experience I know.
To be fully met as a man—not just for what you give, but for who you are—is one of the deepest medicines we can receive.
And it begins with bringing you to the table.
(If this resonates, you may also want to read The Sacred Role of Healthy Anger in Relationships, which explores how anger, boundaries, and nervous system healing go hand in hand.)
The Final Note: Your Nervous System Is Telling the Truth
When you hide parts of yourself in relationship, your nervous system doesn’t experience love—it experiences danger.
Even if your partner is sweet. Even if the connection looks good on paper.
If you're suppressing your truth, your body is living in a subtle trauma state.
It registers your relationship as unsafe. It braces. It prepares. It slowly shuts down.
This is why you feel exhausted.
It’s not because you’re broken.
It’s because you’re protecting yourself.
And here’s the hardest pill to swallow—and the most empowering one:
You are the one holding your own key.
No one else is hiding you.
You are reinforcing the pattern.
And that means:
You can choose something new.
Not by trying harder.
But by choosing to be seen.
To bring your heart, your no, your hunger, your holy mess.
To risk being real.
And to discover that it’s not disconnection that awaits you—but liberation.
(If you're in the thick of this right now, you may also want to read Somatic Healing for Anxious Attachment: How to Feel Safe in Love Again, especially around building inner safety and bringing your truth into relationship.)
How Somatic Coaching Can Help
This kind of shift doesn’t come from thinking your way through it.
It’s not a mindset hack or a communication script.
It’s about retraining your nervous system to know that you—all of you—are safe to bring.
Somatic coaching for men helps you:
Unfreeze the emotions you’ve been taught to suppress
Feel the difference between self-abandonment and healthy relational risk
Practice bringing truth into connection, not in reaction or withdrawal
Build capacity to hold another’s emotions without collapsing or disappearing
Reconnect with your own needs, anger, grief, desire—and speak them without shame
And most importantly:
It helps you build relationships where you don’t have to leave yourself behind.
Because the greatest love you’ll ever know starts when you stop hiding you.
If This Is You (Or Someone You Love)
If this feels familiar—either in you or your partner—I want you to know:
You’re not broken. And you’re not alone.
This martyrdom pattern isn’t a personality flaw—it’s a nervous system strategy. A way your body learned to stay safe when love felt risky.
And it can shift.
This has been a huge part of my own path. I know how exhausting it is to hold it all together, to hide the parts of you that feel “too much,” to collapse under the weight of trying to be good.
And I know the relief and power of bringing those parts—your anger, grief, longing—and having them be met.
It’s possible to unwind this. To feel safe in your truth.
To stop managing connection and start living in it.
If you—or someone you love—is ready for that kind of shift, I’m here.
Apply here, or learn more about coaching.
There’s nothing wrong with you.
There’s just more of you ready to be welcomed.