Healing After a Breakup: Somatic Tools for PTSD, Grief, and Returning to Safety
The Body Remembers the Break
Some breakups don’t just hurt—they rattle you to your bones. You can’t eat. Can’t sleep. You flinch at their name or their scent in a stranger’s perfume. Maybe your chest tightens or your stomach drops for no reason at all.
That’s not just heartache. That’s trauma.
When the body registers a relationship as vital to survival—especially if it touched deep attachment wounds—its loss can trigger post-traumatic stress. What you’re feeling may be PTSD: your nervous system stuck in a loop, constantly scanning for danger, replaying memories, unable to land.
“Trauma is not the story of something that happened back then. It’s the current imprint of that pain, horror, and fear living inside people.”
— Bessel van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score
Your System Has to Be Wide Enough to Let It Move
Here’s the truth: heartbreak brings big waves. Not just one.
Many.
Grief.
Anger.
Fear of loneliness.
Shame.
The looping questions of What if I had done something different?
All of that is natural. The real issue is when your system doesn’t have the width to let it all move through.
When you don’t have the inner capacity—the space—to feel what’s there, those feelings get stuck. Frozen. They begin to loop inside you. And that’s when grief becomes depression, anger turns to blame, and longing festers into obsession or collapse.
Big breakups require a wide channel.
Because they bring big sensation. Big charge. Big grief.
And here’s the key:
Most of us aren’t wide enough to hold that alone.
That’s why this process asks for widening—
People who can witness and love you in your process
Places that nourish you (quiet forests, rivers, the ocean, wild space)
Rituals that ground you (morning coffee, journaling, walks, breath)
Nervous system work and somatic support to build your inner capacity
You don’t need to do it alone. You’re not supposed to.
This kind of heartbreak calls for connection.
You Have to Choose That You Want to Heal
One of the ways heartbreak becomes toxic is when you try to stay in pain—because pain is the last thread that still connects you to them.
But staying unwell doesn’t keep the love alive. It just keeps you stuck.
You have to become clear inside:
I am going to heal.
I choose that.
It’s not a betrayal of the relationship. It’s an honoring of your soul.
From that place—grounded in self-trust—you’ll be far more resourced to choose what’s next. Whether that means reconnection or release, you’ll be choosing from clarity, not collapse.
The Danger of Moving On Too Fast
Our culture loves a quick fix: “Just get back out there.” “Date someone new.” “Move on.”
But moving on too fast isn’t healing. It’s bypassing.
When you start dating while still heartbroken, you don't just risk hurting yourself—you risk hurting someone else. And what you're often looking for isn't love—it's a replacement. But love isn't replaceable.
If you loved someone deeply, your system bonded with them. Your attachment system was wrapped around them—your idea of who they were, the future you imagined, the ways they made life feel whole.
You can't replace that. You have to integrate it.
What Real Healing After a Breakup Looks Like
Step 1: Grieve
Let yourself feel.
Sadness. Anger. Hurt.
To avoid grief is to deny how deeply you loved.
Grief is a sacred river—it clears space for the next chapter of love to arise.
Step 2: Reconnect with What Is Safe
You just experienced a profound loss. This is a moment to return to what nourishes your nervous system.
To connection.
Friends who love you just as you are
Family that roots you
Animals who offer pure presence
Trees. Water. Sky. The heartbeat of the Earth
Grieving was never meant to be done alone.
Somatic Healing for Anxious Attachment
Step 3: Seek Emotional Support When You Feel Stuck
If the first two steps aren’t moving anything, or you're stuck in shame, fear, anger, or confusion, it may be time for deeper support.
Coaching can help you:
Unwind stuck grief and trauma from the body
Reorient away from familiar pain-based patterns
Own how you missed in relationship—so you can step into the world with more clarity, accountability, and readiness for a new kind of love
This isn’t just about getting over it. It’s about emerging transformed.
The Sacred Role of Healthy Anger in Relationships
Before You Love Another, Let This Move All the Way Through
Eventually—after the grief, after the numb days and long nights—there is a softening.
A breath.
A steadiness.
A slow return.
You begin to feel:
Things can get better.
You’re not broken. You’re becoming.
And as the waves move through you—grief, rage, tenderness, longing—they carve out space inside you for something wiser, deeper, and more secure.
You start to sense love not as something lost—but as something awakening inside you.
In the way you take care of yourself.
In how you show up with others.
In the way your body lets in sunlight again.
Before you love another, you return to the one who stayed:
You.
That’s where the real healing begins.
Coming in Part 2: Opening to Love Again After Trauma
When you're ready—really ready—we'll explore how to open to new love.
Not as a way to forget. But as a way to begin again—rooted in self-trust, spaciousness, and real readiness for connection.
If this is You
If you’re in the thick of heartbreak and feel like your body can’t let go, you’re not alone. I support people in Boulder, Colorado and beyond to move through grief, untangle trauma, and return to safety in their nervous system. Healing after a breakup isn’t about forgetting—it’s about remembering who you are.