Somatic States and Relationships: Why Healing Must Involve the Body

TL;DR:

If you’ve ever felt anxious, shut down, or reactive in love—and couldn’t think your way out of it—this post is for you.

It explores the roots of somatic healing for relationships through Polyvagal Theory, showing how your nervous system shapes not only your emotional life and attachment patterns, but your daily thoughts, self-perception, and even worldview.

Your reactions—whether they show up as conflict, withdrawal, anxiety, or depression—aren’t just psychological.
They’re physiological.

To truly shift how you show up in love, you have to work with your nervous system state, not just your story.

You’re Not Broken—You’re Wired to Survive

You weren’t born struggling to love or be loved.
You were born with a nervous system built for connection—and for survival.

But when love felt inconsistent, overwhelming, or emotionally unsafe, your body adapted.
Not just emotionally, but physiologically.

According to Polyvagal Theory, your body is constantly scanning your environment for cues of safety or danger. This scanning—called neuroception—happens beneath conscious thought and shapes how you feel, how you react, and even how you interpret your partner’s behavior.

Your thoughts don’t exist in a vacuum. They arise from the state your body is in.

Your Nervous System Filters Reality

Each autonomic nervous system state has its own set of lenses. The stories that feel true, the tone you hear in your partner’s voice, your ability to stay curious or lash out—it’s all influenced by the physiological state you’re in.

That’s why nervous system regulation is central to healing anxious attachment—because your body’s state can hijack your love life.

🟢 Ventral Vagal: Safe, Connected, Present

This is the state where healthy love lives.

In ventral vagal, your system feels safe enough to relax. You can be honest without bracing. You stay grounded in conflict and attuned during intimacy.

Common thoughts in this state:

• “We can figure this out.”

• “I’m safe to be myself.”

• “They care about me.”

Worldview from this state:

You perceive nuance. The world feels supportive. You can receive love.

Healing goal:

Practice anchoring in this state through nervous system regulation tools, co-regulation, and embodied repair. As you return here more often, real intimacy starts to feel like home.

🔥 Sympathetic Activation: Fight or Flight in Love

This is a state of nervous system dysregulation in relationships. You feel urgency, panic, or control. You try to prevent loss—by fixing, chasing, or exploding.

Common thoughts:

• “They’re pulling away.”

• “If I stop trying, I’ll lose them.”

Worldview from this state:

Everything is about survival—even love. Your system misreads neutral cues as threat.

Healing goal:

Learn to name this activation and pause before reacting. Learn to move it healthily, rather than acting out with attack or with flight (addiction). Learn to feel safety in movement (physical activity) and in stillness. Channel your fire toward healthy anger and boundaries rather than panic.

🧊 Dorsal Vagal: Collapse, Numbness, Disconnection

This is the freeze response. You withdraw, dissociate, or go quiet. You appear calm—but inside, there’s despair or disconnection.

Common thoughts:

• “Why bother?”

• “They’ll leave anyway.”

• “I’m too much.”

Worldview from this state:

Hope feels impossible. Even closeness feels dangerous.

Healing goal:

Support your system to rise gently out of collapse—through micro-movement, warmth, relational safety, and somatic presence.

Polyvagal nervous system states chart

What Happens in a Child’s Nervous System During Trauma

If a child’s bids for connection are met with shame, withdrawal, or overwhelm, their nervous system learns: “It’s not safe to reach.”

• First: sympathetic fight/flight. Protest. Please. Perform.

• Then: dorsal collapse. Freeze. Numb. Disappear.

These responses become relational patterns—how the body learns to survive love.

Why This Shows Up in Adult Relationships

When the body associates intimacy with danger:

• You may panic when someone pulls away

• You may shut down when someone gets close

• You might crave connection but collapse the moment it arrives

This is trauma and intimacy colliding—and it won’t resolve through willpower or insight alone. It takes a somatic approach to healing.

🌀 Depression: Collapse in Relationship

If love never came—no matter how hard you tried—your system may have given up.

This shows up as dorsal vagal shutdown, which we often label depression.

You feel numb, hopeless, and disconnected.
But the root isn’t brokenness—it’s a body trying to protect you from more pain.

😰 Anxiety: Bracing Against Abandonment

Chronic anxiety is often a stuck sympathetic state—bracing for rejection or misattunement.

You manage everything. Anticipate everything.
Because somewhere deep down, love once felt unsafe.

Your body’s trying to protect you from the same rupture again.

Somatic Healing for Relationships

If you want to change how you show up in love, you have to work with your nervous system.

Because real healing isn’t just about understanding the past.
It’s about creating new, embodied experiences in the present.

Experiences that teach your system:

“I’m safe.”
“I’m not alone.”
“I can be fully myself—and still be met.”

Somatic coaching helps you:

• Recognize your nervous system states in real time

• Unwind old protection strategies like freeze or fawn

• Reconnect with your own body as a safe place

• Build capacity to stay in conflict, receive love, and express truth

And—just as importantly—it creates the co-regulation and connection your system may have never known.

These moments don’t just feel good. They rewire your nervous system.

They build:

• Resilience in relationship

• A sense of support and being held

• A new template for love—based in safety, not survival

Final Word: It’s Not Just in Your Head. It’s in Your Body.

If you find yourself stuck in the same fights, pulling away when it matters most, or spiraling when someone really sees you—this isn’t failure.

It’s your body doing what it learned to do.

But survival isn’t the same as connection.
And it’s not the end of your story.

Somatic healing for relationships can help you rewrite that story—through your body, your breath, and one nervous system shift at a time.

If This Is You (Or Someone You Love)

If this feels familiar—either in you or your partner—I want you to know:
You’re not broken. And you’re not alone.

These patterns of anxiety, collapse, or conflict in relationship aren’t personality flaws.
They’re nervous system strategies—ways your body learned to stay safe when love felt overwhelming or out of reach.

And they can shift.

This has been a huge part of my own journey. I know how confusing it is to want connection but freeze when it comes close. To overfunction. To shut down. To feel like something must be wrong with you.
And I also know the quiet power of learning to feel safe in your own skin again.

I work with individuals and couples in Boulder, Colorado and beyond who are ready to heal at the level of the body.
To stop repeating survival patterns—and start building relationships rooted in truth, presence, and deep safety.

If you—or someone you love—is ready to begin that kind of transformation, I’m here.
Apply here, or learn more about somatic coaching.

There’s nothing wrong with you.
There’s just more of you ready to be welcomed.